Learning From Divorce: How to Take Responsibility, Stop the Blame, and Move On


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Yes, you want to learn from mistakes but turns out punishing yourself has a lot of negative consequences. Study after study shows that self-criticism is consistently associated with less motivation and worse self-control. In contrast, self-compassion— being supportive and kind to yourself, especially in the face of stress and failure— is associated with more motivation and better self-control. Researchers have found that taking a self-compassionate point of view on a personal failure makes people more likely to take personal responsibility for the failure than when they take a self-critical point of view.

They also are more willing to receive feedback and advice from others, and more likely to learn from the experience. In fact, those who become overly upset by the errors they make — i.

How to Overcome Your Divorce Guilt

Learn from it and move on. They have a strategy they can fix. As I become more confident in knowing what is and is not abuse, I am noticing it in myself, my wife, and my kids. Any attempt to discuss abusive behavior is met with fierce denial, hostility, and an argument about blame. What matter does it make to correctly assign blame when something goes wrong? I am the caregiver. I am the ultimate patsy, fool, idiot — sucker! I have been investigated by DCF prior to my even living with her as caregiver.

She accused me of along with venomous siblings stealing money, taking her medications, going through her financial papers…??? So along came the DCF with the interrogation. They questioned me 2 times before dropping the charges that were bogus. Now, I am her caregiver-in-fear always because of my sister and also my mother and her mood swings, abuse and awful treatment of me.


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I tend to get a bit skeptical about all of this BS. Anyway, I need to get out of here, fast. The caregiver seems to be auto-guilty when it is the other way around. It does not help when you have all of them plotting against you. What was I thinking? It would get better? Kat, I know exactly how you feel. I could kick myself from here to eternity now.

She has dementia too. The brother who abused me has since made my life a living hell and she as usual stands there silently. I am so over it. I am over my whole family. Now, I must bide my time and learn how to take my life back from them. They are just not worth taking away my life and happiness anymore. It has put a huge strain on my marriage over these years. What on earth was I thinking? So did she, hence why she wanted to be with me. I feel like an ass for thinking my brothers would behave like adults since they have families of their own now.

Not accepting ownership of his actions but admits he abused me.

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Good enough if he ever does decide to pull anything. I saved every insane letter he wrote to Mom just in case. When Mom passes, I will dissapear without a trace and they will never hear from me again. Hang in there, you are not alone. Dear friend, thank you for posting this blog. Someone finally and justly illustrated exactly what I had been suspecting with my own mother. I am going through the realization that I was not loved nor accepted. I felt guilty for even being born.

1. Focus on Yourself

I felt like I was a burden that people just passed around trying to get rid of of put up with because it was there. My grandfather who committed suicide called me a problem — I guess I m not the problem after all am I. I felt inadequate and always having to prove myself, my worth , by doing more , being more, saving and rescuing more. I used to pay mom compliments all the time and boost her ego, try to rescue her that way and hoping to win her love in return. I saw she was weak and needing self-esteem and tried boosting it, but now I dropped that.

Oprah on Taking Responsibility for Your Life - Oprah's Lifeclass - Oprah Winfrey Network

I used to shudder whenever she got physically close to me. So I was told that she was raped by the guy she was dating, my biological father. At age 30 I found that was a downright lie!


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She said she loved him and they made love. In fact, he did.

Stop Blaming Your Ex And You’ll Start Getting Over Your Divorce - The Good Men Project

When the test proved i was his child, he accepted to marry her. And she refused my real father. Oh she also told me she tried to abort me several times without any luck. And that while she was pregnant it was such a dreaded time in her life, because she had to hide it from her parents, from her employer, by wrapping her stomach so people would not see the bump. And to think of it, I thought it was in a way! I felt bad that I had put her through so much torture and screwed up her life by being conceived while she had sex with a man.

Well, with such a bleak picture of maternity, its no wonder i did not want to have any children, I had a horrible picture painted for me, from conception to birth, and after. I felt like a burden. And after I was born, she said they thought about giving me up for adoption and found a family , but granny decided to keep me. At age she married an abusive man and took me to live with her.

I think she took me away to spite granny. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger, and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward. Remind yourself that you still have a future — When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams for a life together.

As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones. Know the difference between a normal reaction to a breakup and depression — Grief can be paralyzing after a breakup, but after a while, the sadness begins to lift. Day by day, and little by little, you start moving on. When mom and dad split, a child can feel confused, angry, and uncertain as well as profoundly sad. Support from others is critical to healing after a breakup or divorce.

You might feel like being alone, but isolating yourself will only make this time more difficult. Connect face-to-face with trusted friends and family members. People who have been through painful breakups or divorces can be especially helpful. They know what it is like and they can assure you that there is hope for healing and new relationships.

Frequent face-to-face contact is also a great way to relieve the stress of a breakup and regain balance in your life. Spend time with people who support, value, and energize you. As you consider who to reach out to, choose wisely. Surround yourself with people who are positive and who truly listen to you. Get outside help if you need it. The most important thing is that you have at least one place where you feel comfortable opening up.

Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have lost your social network along with the divorce or breakup, make an effort to meet new people. Join a networking group or special interest club, take a class, get involved in community activities, or volunteer at a school, place of worship, or other community organization. A divorce is a highly stressful, life-changing event.

The strain and upset of a major breakup can leave you psychologically and physically vulnerable. Get plenty of rest, minimize other sources of stress in your life, and reduce your workload if possible. Learning to take care of yourself can be one of the most valuable lessons you learn following a breakup. As you feel the emotions of your loss and begin learning from your experience, you can resolve to take better care of yourself and make positive choices going forward.

Make time each day to nurture yourself.

Help yourself heal by scheduling daily time for activities you find calming and soothing. Spend time with good friends, go for a walk in nature, listen to music, enjoy a hot bath, get a massage, read a favorite book, take a yoga class, or savor a warm cup of tea. Pay attention to what you need in any given moment and speak up to express your needs.

Honor what you believe to be right and best for you even though it may be different from what your ex or others want. Stick to a routine.

Learning From Divorce: How to Take Responsibility, Stop the Blame, and Move On Learning From Divorce: How to Take Responsibility, Stop the Blame, and Move On
Learning From Divorce: How to Take Responsibility, Stop the Blame, and Move On Learning From Divorce: How to Take Responsibility, Stop the Blame, and Move On
Learning From Divorce: How to Take Responsibility, Stop the Blame, and Move On Learning From Divorce: How to Take Responsibility, Stop the Blame, and Move On
Learning From Divorce: How to Take Responsibility, Stop the Blame, and Move On Learning From Divorce: How to Take Responsibility, Stop the Blame, and Move On
Learning From Divorce: How to Take Responsibility, Stop the Blame, and Move On Learning From Divorce: How to Take Responsibility, Stop the Blame, and Move On
Learning From Divorce: How to Take Responsibility, Stop the Blame, and Move On Learning From Divorce: How to Take Responsibility, Stop the Blame, and Move On

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